Daddy Daddy...oh my daddy...:(

My father has expired..just got the news, and I feel so numb..faced the news bravely, sat still for sometime and got back to normalcy in a few mins and started searching for my company provided flight tickets. Amma kitta pesinen, and gave rational suggestions to my guy for the flight schedule, made decisions on when and how to travel to India...and he was telling his parents that I am taking the news bravely...and then he went in to get me the food. That moment was when my mind shed the facade of normalcy, and I have been sobbing ever since....thinking about my dad, what he missed, what I could have done for him...would I have been the reason behind his sickness? That I was away from him ever since I started working outside Chennai? That I never got to speak to him real personally in all these years, having the physical distance as a reason? I can't seem to stop my tears...I can't see my dad again..where is the rational female who was sitting on this sofa a few minutes ago?